It’s Me

Hello all!

As we progress further into the year and transition from spring into summer, I thought it’s time I give an update on my life seeing that I haven’t taken the time to consistently post on my blog.

First and foremost, I realized I don’t document my life as much as I would like to. I often find myself either forgetting or never taking the time to sit down and write. So here I am and here it is.

Let me describe where I am to set the mood. I’m in my room on the hardwood floor. Sitting kindergarten style with my Mac on a powder blue child’s chair as I type this out. It’s the longest day of the year, but I spent most of it at work. All of the lights in my room are out except for two candles and a large Chinese style lantern in the corner of the room. The fan is blaring but it isn’t pointed at me. It’s directed at the wall so the air can circulate around the room and aid the air conditioning. I like writing in dark, cool rooms with music playing loudly in the background. There’s music playing now. It’s Shlohmo. You should check him out sometime. He makes wonderful instrumentals.

Just so you know, I am in excellent physical health. I am having trouble with a strained hamstring or two, but I’m on the road to recovery. I overexerted myself while exercising but it’s no biggie smalls. A little speed bump on this long journey of mine. Speaking of exercising, I have been working out regularly and can almost call myself a gym rat. I wake up extremely early to exercise and spend a lot of time at my school’s gym. I go at least five days a week. I love cardio workouts, lifting weights and indoor rock climbing. I’ve been vegetarian for almost five years now, but I’m eating even better now that I’ve been consistently working out. I’m seeing lots of progress and I feel rewarded. It’s spilling over into every aspect of my life. I see more discipline, ambition and energy. My abs are popping up like daisies in the springtime. All four of them. Hopefully those last two won’t be too shy for too long.

Earlier this spring, I turned 23 on the 23rd of March. My golden year. Sometimes I forget how old I am because I don’t think of myself in terms of numbers. I see myself as a wave in the ocean or the flame of a lighter, I just keep moving. No one can really say how old the earth is because it seems so young yet it’s so old at the same time. That is me. But since I am of the human race, it’s inevitable that I am ascribed an age and 23 would be it. Here’s to you 23 for 24 will soon be here. The year is a little over halfway through with June 24th coming in a few days. I don’t remember how time began to creep so quickly. Is it because I have more responsibilities so things just speed right ahead? As a child, I felt the weight of each day. Now, I barely blink my eyes and the day is done. I was a very interesting child. You should have seen me, but that’s a different post for another day.

Anyway, the spring semester ended about a month ago. I’ve been keeping busy because I get melancholy when I don’t have anything to do. I feel useless and lost. Then I end up going on Twitter and posting things that have bittersweet undertones to them and nobody wants to see that. Unless you do. You can follow me on Twitter here. Either that or I go on Tumblr and post my little heart away. I don’t tweet as much as I used to though. I just don’t have as many words to say. I’m surprised I got this far on this post. I finished off the spring semester with a 3.625 GPA. Not bad, but I am disappointed because during the fall I had a 3.7 GPA. I want that 0.075 dammit! I actually want a 4.0 but considering how many extra-ciricular activities I’m involved in, I would say I’m being a little hard on myself. I made the Dean’s Honor List two semesters in a row since transferring from community college. That is something worth celebrating.

As far as my love life, or lack thereof, I would say it was pretty stagnant for about four years, peaked last summer and then faded away the beginning of this year. It’s funny how you forget what your life was like before you were in a relationship and how you have to adjust back when it ends. I’ve been adjusting. I forgot how long nights can be when it’s just yourself, but then again this is how it’s been for most of my life. Music helps. Writing helps. Friends help. Having a life helps. Crying helps. Animals help. I miss the emotional intimacy. Having someone to talk to all the time can be therapeutic. I only think to myself now. I remember when I first heard the news it was over. I couldn’t really move. I couldn’t stop crying like the wet season just hit Africa after a long drought. I wrote several poems about it. Here’s one. I never finished it but this is what I have.

“Heartbreak is a ten letter word, but it feels like I’m a newborn baby left with a million paper cuts on my virgin skin, growing through the scars left behind. Distorting and toughening my once immaculate organ. Blank slates in my head fool me into The pure naivety of trust. The same man promising he’ll always be there is the one that leaves. Too many words. Not enough deeds. Now I must protect my own skin.”

Oh Lord it was horrible, but I can say I lived it. It hasn’t killed me. I survived my first heartbreak. Now, I am just focusing on school and my career. If love comes to me again it does but I’m not looking for it. This is my first time actually talking about it on the Internet. I’ve been seeing a counselor. I wish I didn’t need to talk about it but I still do. I just want to be okay again. I’m not all broken up like I was before, but I still have nightmares sometimes. Oh if you could hear the song that’s playing now, you would see how perfectly it fits with the subject of nightmares. It’s dark, eerie and slow. There’s a pounding bass line with distorted voices wailing along to the synthesizers.

I’m so exhausted. I’ve been up since 7:30 this morning and it’s now 10:57 at night. I’ve covered everything that I’d like to talk about. Everything else hasn’t happened yet and I don’t speak on those things until they do. Hope you enjoyed your solstice.

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